I used to think Valentine’s Day was the worst. Forcing people to spend money on overpriced shit that no one wants. I mean, chocolate is delicious but if you really love me you’ll buy me that leftover Halloween candy on November 1st in a 2-for-1 flash sale. I blissfully went along most of my life thinking that forcing someone to be mushy for one day a year was the absolute worst. Until I discovered pumpkin spice season, and it only got worse from there.
It was one thing when the white girls went walking into Starbucks in their flannel, yoga pants, UGG‘s and oversized sunglasses to ring in the unofficial start to fall, but next thing I knew every brand had lost their collective minds and it was a pumpkin spice frenzy. Anything for the money, I suppose, but you don’t see the people that make Runts packaging the banana flavored Runts alone and trying to sell them, do you? No. Because they know the banana flavor is the worst.
Truth be told I never intended to die on the PS hill. Sure, I’ve always thought pumpkin spice was gross, but I could respect Starbucks latte game. You have a winner, the consumers love it, go for it. That’s business.
I blame the other brands for bringing on this obsession. Spam? Pumpkin spice body moisturizer? Pumpkin spice almonds? Enough is enough. This madness must stop.
Now I’m well aware that being Team Pumpkin Spice is the much more popular option. You’re just jealous, you’re probably thinking. Okay, well, maybe of the money. A little bit. But it’s time to put business aside and remind everyone – not all of us flannel-wearing, yoga pant-stretching, oversized sunglass sporting white girls like pumpkin spice. Some of us are a 7 on the cliche scale, not a 10, thank you very much.
So why am I writing this? Because it’s time for us ladies to take a stand. Go back to your lightly salted almonds. Grab the double stuffed Oreos. Buy your normal moisturizer! I suppose if you actually like Spam you should buy their regular flavor (but, I mean, why?).
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a skinny vanilla latte to go order before I begin this revolution.